Alcohol Abuse

As I practiced my pre-work morning ritual of eating cereal while surfing the net in nothing but my boxers…I read a great post from Guy. It got me thinking about all of the stupid (and awesome) stuff that guys tend to do to one another. The post reminded me of what is still one of my all time favorite pranks to pull on a buddy….

I’m afraid this is one Man Law I am going to have to refuse to follow.

Halloween Reflection

Here are a couple observations/thoughts I have had on Halloween this year…

- It is annoying to have a hound dog when you have kids coming to your door every thirty seconds.

- Kids with facial hair (real facial hair, not part of a costume) should not be coming to my door for candy.

- Its a crime that I can’t find a video of the SNL skit where John Travolta plays a version of Dracula who is trying to convince his guests he is not gay.

- I don’t care how young he was, the kid in the Michael Vick jersey needs to read a newspaper. Although it was funny when Sawyer barked at him.

- Sometimes, I take a little peace and quiet for granted.

Return of the Great White Dope

I have been MIA for a while, but I don’t think I have that many (if any) regular readers…so it probably doesn’t matter that much. Speaking of abandoning sites, this little gem fits well with that theme. I’ll try to come back soon with some more frequent updates.

Not So Bionic

Ever wonder how bionic you are? Well you shouldn’t, that’s a ridiculous thing to spend time thinking about. However if you are still curious…head over to the lab, and find out just how bionic you are. I managed a score of 66%, which means I won’t be doing any crazy bionic jumps any time soon. Probably for the best, I see myself going mad with bionic power if I had the opportunity.

Beast Master

A recent post from Guy reminded me of a small collection of pictures from Pieter Hugo that I had stumbled across a few months ago. These men belong to a group of traveling performers in Nigeria, that do their shows with animals they keep as companions(which include hyenas, pythons, and baboons). Apparently there are myths that they are actually a gang, under the guise of the performing arts. I really want to believe this myth, because there is something completely BA about a gang who use hyenas and baboons. Take that crips.

Anti Baby Boom

It is said that the children are our future. Well the folks at Bullet Proof Baby are serious about protecting that investment. They specialize in tactical gear aimed (no pun intended) to protect your cubs. From riot gear, to bullet-proof strollers, to bomb blankets….they have it all. If your child is assisting the police in local drug raids, you can rest assured that they are doing so with the proper equipment.

Need more information before dropping such a heavy dollar? Check out the horrifying instructional video on the main page that shows a lady supposedly shooting at a bullet-proof stroller with a child inside.

Esse? Are You Calling Me a Term Paper?

If you are anything like me, you occasionally enjoy laughing at dumb high school kids. Check out the worst analogies ever written in a high school essay, and feel a little better about yourself.

The title of this post by the way, is from a Pablo Francisco stand-up. Not the funniest guy on earth, but that line always cracks me up.

Smoke on the Water

The girlfriend and I were having the conversation the other day of whether we would rather be buried or cremated after we have passed away. I mentioned that I would want a viking funeral if given the choice, as opposed to the more traditional methods. For those who are not familiar with the practice, it is a ceremony in which the deceased is placed on vessel and immolated. I believe the traditional ceremony is done on land…but the scenario I envision would take place on water. Something like the funeral scene in First Knight, where I am sent off to sea, and my vessel is lit via a flaming arrow.

I know, my version probably isn’t historically accurate…but it sure is bad-ass. There are a couple of flaws though…as I am not sure this kind of thing is legal. Also, the ceremony seems like kind of a big deal. I imagine I would have to be a war hero or something to deserve such an honor. I don’t think anybody who has ever worked in a cubicle has been honored with such a tradition. So the first step is to check on the legality of the whole thing (leave a comment if you can help me out here). The second step is doing something historically note-worthy. The final step is convincing the girlfriend that it is not a ridiculous answer to her question.

Back for the First Time

I have been neglecting teh.awful the past week, but I assure you…not by choice. There was a mistake with our cable bill that resulted in Comcast disconnecting our service. So last Thursday I call them and clear up the issue, and we have a tech come Friday to have us reconnected. The cable was connected fine, but the Internet was still not working. I have found Comcast to be one of the worst companies to deal with when trying to resolve an issue. I have spoken to them five or six times since getting disconnected, and got a different answer each time. The second person I spoke with was nice enough to tell me that she had no idea what the first person was doing. I don’t know which of these individuals this reflects poorly on. Another lady argued with me for several minutes on why my homepage was not defaulted to comcast.com. Definitely not a “Comcastic” experience, whatever that means.
Though I am still spitefull of Comcast, I am up and running. I’m sure I will have plenty of things to update in the coming days…but first, I have some email to go through.

Agent Zero

I told myself that I was going to slow down on the sports topics after my Madden Curse entry. Although sports are a major interest of mine, I don’t want teh.awful to be a sports blog, but rather an extensive collection of random topics. However, when I came across a post from the Wizards Gilbert Arenas, I couldn’t resist. The entry doesn’t even really pertain to sports, so I don’t feel quite as bad. Anyways, check out the blog or read it below.

“I know this is random, but I just want to clear this up for people out there.

There are these things called shark attacks, but there is no such thing as a shark attack. I have never seen a real shark attack.

I know you’re making a weird face as you’re reading this. OK people, a shark attack is not what we see on TV and what people portray it as.

We’re humans. We live on land.

Sharks live in water.

So if you’re swimming in the water and a shark bites you, that’s called trespassing. That is called trespassing. That is not a shark attack.

A shark attack is if you’re chilling at home, sitting on your couch, and a shark comes in and bites you; now that’s a shark attack. Now, if you’re chilling in the water, that is called invasion of space. So I have never heard of a shark attack.

When I see on the news where it’s like, “There have been 10 shark attacks,” I’m like, “Hey, for real?! They’re just running around? Sharks are walking now, huh! We live on the land, we don’t live underwater.“