undead = uncool

June 13, 2007

Zombies. Yup, you heard me. Zombies…and they have managed to ruin my day (along with allot of other people). I originally took the day off to play a couple rounds of golf…little did I know that half the stiffs from Mount Olivet Cemetery would wake up for an early breakfast. I’m not sure when it happened, because I didn’t really notice until I was on my way to the golf course, and mowed down a little zombie girl on route 26. You may stop me and say “mowed down” is an awfully generous term to use for a 2001 Toyota Camry…but I’m here to tell you, I mowed that girl down. No time to stop though, I didn’t want to miss tee time. I caught myself up to speed listening to the radio on the way back (as the employees who open the course decided not to show up to work).

So what does a young buck do on zombie attack day? I figured I would hit up FSK Mall and re-enact some scenes from Dawn of the Dead. I figured Dead Rising gave me all the zombie killin’ experience I would need, and this way I still get my exercise. Apparently zombies only flock to the mall in movies, as the place was dead (hahaha, get it?). But seriously, the mall thing fell through…so I figured I would hit up the bar with a friend like they did in Shaun of the Dead. At this point you are noticing what I have already come to realize about myself…when it comes to knowledge of how to handle zombie attacks, I rely way too much on popular culture.

The bar was slow, but there were a couple of us there that still had heartbeats. It was only a matter of time before one of the undead crashed our party. What a small world, we used to go to school with this chick. She never gave us the time of day, but my friend thought he might have a chance since she had let herself go. I left him there to close the deal since she was giving him “the eyes”. I hope he had protection, you can’t be too careful in this day and age.

I got home and called my parents to make sure they were still alive and whatnot. They had apparently left town as soon as they heard about the outbreak. I didn’t want to upset my mother by asking why she didn’t bother to check on me, I guess she had allot on her mind.

I’m pretty sure my neighbors are dead. Seeing how I live in a townhouse, I plan on knocking a hole through the wall so that I can move between the two units. This way I can stay locked safe inside, and not run out of food. Plus, I’m pretty sure they have cooler stuff than I do…and I want to take advantage of that.

The worst part of the whole damn thing is, I had scheduled today off. That means I have to use my vacation hours, while all the other lucky bastards at my job get the day off for free. Damn my horrible luck.


3 Responses to “undead = uncool”

  1. Guy Says:

    awesome post! It’s weird I have thought about busting through the walls of my townhouse if I was trapped by zombies.

  2. […] satire for fans of zombies as well as those interested in survival guides (awesome show), regarding the zombie attack that we all know is coming. The author does a good job of not breaking from the serious tone, which makes the guide that much […]

  3. Jill Hater Says:

    Why does this post make me cringe…?

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